Ducks unlimited

I wrote the following little item for the National Post:

Like dozens of Canadians, I was deeply moved by the death of 500 ducks that made the mistake of lollygagging at Syncrude’s oil sands plant in Ft. McMurray. The National Post put the story on page one, and even the Prime Minister called the deaths a “terrible tragedy.”

I agree. I can’t believe that 500 ducks were wasted that way. Imagine all the lost foie gras (though optimistic scientists have said five of the ducks can be saved). And it’s not just a blow to fine dining. How many Turducken connoisseurs will now have to make do with turkey stuffed just with chicken? How many restaurants will go without their signature dish, Peking Duck – another devious scheme by the Dalai Lama to embarrass the Beijing Olympics?

Of course the news is anything but a tragedy for environmentalist groups – Heart-rending fundraising letters are being written right now. For them, the golden goose only becomes golden when it’s killed – even if it is a species that is as far from extinction as, say, the rat.

...If oil-thirsty America – and China and India –stop using oil sands oil because it’s duck-insensitive, they’re just going to buy their oil from somewhere else.

Somewhere like Saudi Arabia. Or Venezuela. Or Nigeria. Or Russia. Pretty much everywhere oil comes from is worse than Canada – even with our new reputation as duck murderers.

If Canada’s PR nightmare is the slogan: “Boycott Canadian oil: they kill ducks!” what would the alternative be?

Buy Saudi oil: because only 15 of the 19 terrorists on 9/11 were sponsored by us!

Or, buy Sudanese oil – we’re working towards a final solution to the Darfur problem!

How about, buy Mexican oil: Canadians can come for a week – stay for two years!

...Every barrel of oil steamed out of the sand in Ft. McMurray is one more barrel that doesn’t come from a misogynist, human rights-violating environmental basket case, usually a dictatorship, and often a sponsor of terrorism. The moral thing to do would be to pump as much oil as technologically possible from Ft. McMurray.

Save the ducks? Sure. But I’d rather liberate Saudi women, save Russian democracy, or stop Nigerian theft of foreign aid.